i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
