either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
