It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
