Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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