I look better un-naked...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
