i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
