If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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