nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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