BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
