Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
