So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
