Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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