I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
