I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
