So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
