He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
