Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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