Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
