Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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