Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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