I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
