Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
