The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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