last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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