my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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