I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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