I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
