I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
