The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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