someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
