Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
