...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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