why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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