dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
