There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
