how can u be prego again
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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