we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
