Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
