One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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