Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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