New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone shattered a urinal.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
