Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
