She swung at the pinata with crutches
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
