My boss' voice literally gives me gas
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
