There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
