Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
