Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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