Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
this will be a night to untag.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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