my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
