He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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