My friends, they love my intelligence
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
