i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
