True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
