I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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